Archive for February 2014
Italy Banned from Discussions on EU’s Democratic Deficit
For the third time in less than three years, Italy is again facing the rise to power of a new unelected Prime Minister. After the decision of the leading Democratic Party to withdraw support for their own current Premier Enrico Letta, President Giorgio Napolitano decided to step up again and asked the Democratic Party’s new chief, to form a new majority coalition.
Whereas the EU establishment has greeted the new rampant icon of the Italian political salotto with positive comments, such positions have not been unanimous. Indeed, in the aftermath of the decision, the EU’s recently established “Inter-Institutional Supreme Committee for More Europe Affairs” has taken a drastic position by excluding each and every Italian national from participating to one of the most important sub-committees, the “Forum for More Democracy” (FMD).
“It was a unanimous decision”, FMD chair Mr U. Rope explained, “which is very significant considering the name and the mission of our Forum”. “Significantly, out of intellectual honesty, even Italian MEPs and Commission officials who have been so far engaged in the FMD’s activities voted in favour of their own expulsion.” When asked for the reasons behind such a drastic turn of events, Rope clarified that, “since most of the discussions within the FMD are focused on the need for the EU to solve the Democratic Deficit problem and ensure more political representation to its citizens, the participation the Italian nationals, who have proved inept at voting a Premier into office, is counterproductive at least.”
The three unelected Italian leaders immediately reacted to Mr Rope’s straightforward remarks. Former PM and EC Commissioner Mario Monti hastened to explain that, when Napolitano first called him in 2011, he was in the middle of a working lunch where he was trying to explain the benefits of more European Integration to Mr Farage. He was so disappointed by the lack of ability to understand a basic concept such as that of the single market that he accepted Napolitano’s proposal right away just to have an excuse to leave the room. Enrico Letta, a Ph.d in European Affairs, justified his role as unelected Prime Minister by admitting that, at the time, he was just waiting for the results of the research grant he applied for to continue his studies on Altiero Spinelli’s heritage when he accidentally picked up Napolitano’s call. Matteo Renzi, former mayor of Florence, emphasized instead his mandate, “I ruled Florence for quite a long time. Florence is the centre of the Italian cultural and historical tradition. There’s no need for country-wide elections. People love me. I am cool. Deal with it.”
Although at the moment FMD does not seem open to reconsider the Italian national participation to the Forum’s daily activities, a glimmer of hope came unexpectedly from Mr Napolitano himself. “When taking this sort of decisions, you need to put things in the right context” - he explained wisely - “I am sure that people in Brussels will soon change their minds. It is just a matter of time and they will realize that the last democratically elected PM in Italy was Silvio Berlusconi.
Guy Verhofstadt: Liberal Candidate for Commission President
Briefing Note: 001
Name: Guy Verhofstadt
Age: 60
Appearance: The creepy chemistry teacher you had at school.
Beliefs: In his early career he was nicknamed “baby Thatcher” for his
liberalising ways, but it’s a rubbish comparison. He’s exactly the kind of “but
poor people have feelings too” wet blanket she couldn’t stand. Most of
important of all, he is the European federalist’s federalist. He can’t get
through a sentence with uttering the magic words “More Europe!” He was the front-runner
for Commission President in 2004 but Tony Blair vetoed him for being an
annoying federalist.
Position: Prime Minister of Belgium from 1999 to 2008 (an impressive feat),
current leader of the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats in the European
Parliament, now their candidate for Commission President with 80% of the
vote of party members.
Wow! He must be really popular then? Probably has more to do with the fact that his
only competitor was Commission austerity-monger in chief Olli Rehn.
Say no more. Well quite. Although being the everyone’s-a-winner bunch ALDE are, Guy
and Olli did a deal. He’s not popular with his own party but ALDE still
designated Rehn as “lead candidate for another important job” (President of the
European Council, Foreign Policy Supremo). Olli’s going to campaign in Northern
Europe and Guy in Southern Europe.
Genius! What could possibly go wrong? Those pesky voters are at it again. Unfortunately, most Europeans don’t
think that more Europe is the answer. Most importantly,
domestic strife for the two biggest players in the ALDE group, the British
Libdems and the German FDP, is set to ensure that the group comes back with
only around 65 MEPs in June.
Chances of becoming Commission President? Worse than last time.
Do say: “More Europe will solve all your problems!”
Don’t say: “Thank God it's not Olli Rehn.”
The EU: Male or Female? Important Questions When Being F*cked by the US
In a conversation leaked online, US Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland adopted “fuck the EU” as policy strategy for the crisis in Ukraine. The leak, according to the US coming from the Russians, has given rise to heated discussions as to the right of people to be informed and the need for the confidentiality of diplomatic communications.
In the EU bubble, however, Nuland’s position has given rise to a completely different debate. Indeed, in traditional EU fashion, the EU institutions have refrained from instinctively reacting with disdain and anger to the decidedly undiplomatic remark. On the contrary, a thorough inter-service consultation was set up immediately in order to evaluate the pros and cons of the US suggestion and come up with a balanced and democratic shared position.
At this stage, the European Commission’s position in welcoming US’ suggestion seems to be prevailing but rumors have it that the debate might be far from over in the EU Parliament. Whereas the majority of the MEPs acknowledged the merits of being “fucked by the Yankees” and pointed out that “it happened before and we were happy”, the conservative wing of the Parliament abruptly blocked the process and referred to the legal service in order to clarify the gender of the EU.
“It is OK to be fucked by the Americans” the ECR proponent of the legal service referral explained, “but we need to make sure that things are done right”. “We know for sure that the US is a female” - he went on – “so the condition for our green light is that the legal service confirms the EU is a male. Then, and only then, will we be open to discuss other details such as positions and venues”.
“We were actually caught by surprise when this proposal was tabled”, an S&D MEP said. “Then we thought it over and acknowledged that the ECR proposal to establish the EU gender is fair and timely. Another matter is, of course, the ECR’s firm opposition to homosexual diplomatic relationships. On this, we still need to reach a common internal position.”
LGBT lobbies are following the debate with renewed interest and excitement while gender equality associations are already on a war footing. “We are waiting for the legal service’s opinion but we are confident that they will settle this madness once for all”, a European Women’s Lobby spokesperson said. “Just take a look at the values enshrined in the EU Treaties. I dare you to find one which is not feminine. Also, all males are evil.”
Hillary Sends Fruit Basket to France's Former First Lady
After mentoring former aide Huma Abedin on how to handle the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, it looks like Hillary is at it again. A spokesperson confirmed on Monday that Hillary Clinton sent a large Edible Arrangements package to former French First Lady Valerie Trierweiler in the light of the recent "shoe scandal" that exposed French President Hollande and his non-extramarital, extramarital affair(s).
Reportedly the arrangement included tropical fruits such as pineapple and kiwi in lieu of a more romantic option like chocolate covered strawberries in order to prevent unwanted outbursts of tears. Inside the gift was a hand-written ticket that simply said, "Consider this a promotion."
When asked in a press conference to explain the cryptic message Hillary said, "Bill getting caught with the intern was frankly one of the best things that happened to me. It got the men feeling bad, the women sympathizing and, ultimately, the electorate to move in my favor. Never has a political career shot up so quickly (no pun intended), especially for a women. I think she should take that as a lesson to learn from."
It appears the message got through as members of Ms. Trierweiler's inner circle say she is considering a seat at the European Parliament, which is scheduled to hold elections in May of this year. Chocolatier's in the European Quarter are already prepping themselves in anticipation of a large order from Hillary in the case that Ms. Trierweiler wins.