Archive for January 2014
Lisping sweet sorrows. Renzi proposes new labour law reform.
Few days ago, new Italian Democratic Party leader Matteo Renzi unveiled a legislative proposal to reform the outdated Italian labour law. The bill, which foresees extremely high expenditures for the treasury coupled with more flexibility for companies to fire workers, is supposed to fuck up people without a job even in the remote case that they will manage to get one. EU Employment Commissioner Laszlo Andor already gave his thumbs up to the package.
Renzi, who was recently appointed as the new Secretary of the Italian Democratic Party (PD) and thus, starting from the next elections, should hold a seat in the Parliament for the next, oh, 20 years or so, explained the basis of his nonsensical proposal to the press: “I was a little worried before the party elections, I am not gonna lie to you.” he admitted. “My mandate as a Mayor of Florence was about to expire. And everyone knows what that means. I am 39 already, with no significant previous working experiences, living in a country where unemployment rate is skyrocketing. Then this Secretary of the PD opportunity came up and all of my troubles got sorted out overnight. So I figured, hey, this is the right opportunity to start messing things up for all the others.”
When asked by reporters what problems his proposal is likely to generate for the country’s budget and the stability of future generations, Renzi replied: “people were always mean to me when I was a child. I mean, can you imagine how it is like to grow up in Florence when you have a lisp? I wanted to send a strong signal to those bullies, who I am sure now have sons and daughters looking for a job.” Renzi then went on to explain that, even if he is aware that with the bill people will get fired everyday, the public debt will be out of control and the country will probably be forced to go back to the lira at a certain point, he really doesn’t care anymore because now he has a job.
Prominent personalities from the right wing parties immediately backed the proposal. In a joint press release, MPs Renato Brunetta and Deputy PM Angelino Alfano, who are reported to have suffered analogous treatments during their childhood, recognized Renzi’s proposal as “a brilliant strategy to tackle once and for all the hideous issue of child bullying” and a “perfect demonstration that, when common interests are at stake, right and left wing parties can still mutually support each other.”Danes Spewing over EU Cinnamon Regulation: “This time it’s personal”
The EU has managed to set off what are typically known to be some of Europe's most helpful, trusting and reserved citizens. What for this time? Messing with Danish pastries.
Kanelsnegel, better known as cinnamon buns/rolls, are traditional Scandinavian pastries enjoyed in countriessuch as Denmark, whose version of the pastry was the recent target of EU bullying. The European Commission published a conclusion last week that the buns contained "too much cinnamon-y goodness."
While available legally in other Scandinavian countries, it is only considered legal outside of Denmark under EU law because it is listed as "traditional and seasonal bakery", being consumed mostly around Christmas. Kanelsnegel apasionado Arend Larsen said, "Is it so wrong to want to have the Christmas spirit all year long? Christmas means happyness. Therefore, they are banning our right to happyness. I see this as a major violation of our freedoms as European citizens."
As a result of the EC's ruling, improvised street protests have erupted across the country's capital. One protestor said, "The EU can tell the southern European countries what to do. To me it's no matter. But this, this is personal", as he took a heaping bite of cinnamon sugary bliss. It's estimated that an additional 500 kilos of the pastry are being made by local bakeries in solidarity with protestors and also to simply keep them fed. "Don't forget the coffee!" said protestor Andrea Beck "It's cold out here..."