More Europe!

In early May the ECB announced the release of updated euro notes. The redesigned bills are touted as more secure and less easy to counterfeit-despite having a look and feel similar to computer paper. Key features include a holographic number and a watermarked photo of what can only be compared to as the monetary equivalent to a female version of Cecilia Gimenez's Jesus.

In a recent press conference European Central Bank President Mario Draghi explained the changes, “The idea was actually born a few years back. I was on the phone with Bill Bernanke trying to figure out this whole sovereign debt crisis thing and he just couldn’t get over the fact that euros seemed so much like monopoly money. Now this is something the Americans in particular have a hang up about so I was quick to dismiss it, but then I thought, ‘Hey, maybe we can capitalize on this. Literally.’ And bingo bango there you have it.”

With the favourable exchange rate and even less real-looking bills, the European Union stands to gain a great deal from tourists spending money without even noticing. European Commission President Josè Manuel Barroso endorsed the change in a recent internal meeting with the College of Commissioners saying, “Look people. We’ve been pushing the ‘jobs and growth’ line here for a while now in the Commission and we’ve seen how far that’s got us. Good on the old Dragon for stepping in and taking control of the situation.”

The new bills will be phased in gradually over the year, starting with the 5 euro note, rather than all at once. The fear of rolling out an entirely new series of bills is that it might spook the markets into questioning their credibility, thus, dropping their value to the near equivalent of actual monopoly money.

So far the switcheroo seems to be paying off as shopkeepers have noticed a 17.31% increase in sales over the last month. That number is bound to grow as the summer approaches and high tourist season in Europe sets in. The only evident downside to the new notes has been a decline in cigarette sales in key markets like Italy. 27 year old Italian Marco Barassi said of the new notes, “Honestly, the only thing they’re good for is rolling cigarettes. The old machines won’t even accept the stupid papers.”