Ok, sure. The EU has tried to spread its propaganda about “famous European products” like “Tuscany olives” in America. They harp on about the climate, soil, sun, blah blah blah. I’ll let you in on a little secret. If I wanted to know about the micro climate of a 10x10 ft2 plot of land (that’s 3.048 m2 for those unable to grasp the imperial system) I would have asked.
But most likely not.
When I want a bottle of wine I go to the store and look at the things that matter. Like the brand, how much it costs, and how pretty the label is. Now let’s not confuse the label on the side of the bottle with that random sticker they put on the top. You know, the one that’s written in some strange script supposedly certifying something or another. As far as I’m concerned it’s more of a child safety seal than anything to make sure no one’s been messing with my shit.
In the mood to celebrate? Bust out the Cristal or Dom Perignon. In the market to buy a palette of the bubbly? Go to COSTCO and pick up a year’s supply of Veuve Clicquot. Why? Because they’re from La Champagne, the finest territory to produce a crisp, refined, sparkling wine? No. Because popular rap songs and widespread marketing have taught us that these brands even are champagne. Though, I doubt Drake would know the difference if you swapped in a Prosecco or Cava and told him it was Champagne.
We must not forget we’re living in times of crisis. Cost plays a factor everyday when making purchases. Given this logic, if someone in California brings back an olive cutting from Tuscany and nurtures it like one of Mr. Miyagi’s bonsai trees, why shouldn't they be able to sell their very own “Tuscany olives” at the store? If it saves me money and is passable for the original, guess what’s being served at my next cocktail party.
If these reasons aren't enough to dispel the myth of the GI fairy, just look at the Office of the US Trade Representative's website. Seeing as the only subsection under Intellectual Property is ACTA (meanwhile, the European Commission dedicates an entire page to GIs), I think it’s safe to say, that for all intents and purposes, geographical indications don’t exist.
In spite of these well founded arguments, it's likely that the EU is is going to press the issue of GI's during the comprehensive trade agreement negotiations. Should the US be coaxed into a global GI regime, I've taken the liberty to come up with a short list of products that the US should immediately seek protection as part of the country's "rich history of local and specialized agricultural production":
Mad Dog 2020, Fortified Wine
Westfield, New York
(Bonus: Comes in flavors such as Orange Jubilee and Banana Red)
Fig Newtons, Cakes, cookies, whatever you want to call them really
Newton, Massachusetts
(Picture required because who really knows what a fig looks like)
Buffalo Wings
Buffalo, NY
(Hat additional)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
