Monday, April 1, 2013
In a shocking new discovery it has been revealed that the
European Commission is to propose a new Directive that will oblige EU member
states to replace the term sexual
intercourse, and all related words and expressions, with “More Europe!”.
According to Commission sources, the rationale for
the Directive is its necessity for the completion of the single
market. This comes as a late addition to a new push to extend the reach of the
single market in the services sector, which remains only
marginally liberalised compared to the movement of goods and people. “It’s a real
mess”, noted one Commission official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity: “there
are so many different words, terms and expressions for such a crucial services
sector that we can’t truly talk about a single market until we have at least a
minimal degree of harmonisation here.”
In spite of the official rationale, there is clearly
more to this new proposal than meets the eye. The urgency with which the proposal
has been driven through is indicative of creeping panic within the Commission to scenes of EU flag burning
on the streets of Athens and Nicosia. It has become deeply
concerned that European integration is becoming increasingly linked with
painful austerity measures and structural reforms that increase unemployment.
In response to this, the Commission is attempting to create new mental images as
to what more Europe means to ordinary EU citizens.
In a heated Council meeting, it is alleged that a
confrontation between the UK and the Commission occurred, whereby the UK expressed
deep opposition to the need to specify a quantity of ‘Europe’, noting that the
said Directive was tantamount to trying to get more Europe via the back-door The
Commission responded that, given the context of the discussion, such
comments were vulgar and inappropriate; moreover, that the very nature of sexual
intercourse, as the act of supreme union and the ultimate expression solidarity,
could only be conveyed through more, not less, Europe.
While the precise content of the proposal remains
unknown, it has been suggested that all official use of the term sexual
intercourse and its variants will be harmonised to the single term “More
Europe!” by 2015. This creates many difficult questions surrounding the pre-dated
usage of ‘old’ terms for which the Commission is expected to allow a 12-year phasing-out
period of dual-usage. This Directive would certainly have wide-reaching implications,
such as the renaming of Sex Education Classes to “More Europe! Education” and
the rewriting of biology text books and syllabi in member states.
It remains uncertain whether the Commission will be
able to succeed in taking this Directive through the ordinary legislative procedure
without having to make major concessions. A blocking coalition is, according to
one EU diplomat, being mobilised in the Council. The Commission however is counting
on the support of the main political groups in the European Parliament to champion
the Directive.
One thing is for certain however, the More Europe! Blog
will never read the same again.
